Another year, another Eurovision. Yes the music is generally awful, but it’s worth watching as it highlights all that is right and wrong with Europe. To get us in the spirit of things I went to Waitrose and purloined a selection of European delicacies, but as I don’t know what the national dish of Serbia & Montenegro is I decided to adopt a region approach, but North, South, East and West was about as granular as I was able. The presenters looked like they’ve been made up from Airfix kits as usual, the bloke looking like Gomez’s uglier brother with Lurch’s haircut whilst his co-host’s perma-tan was barely contained inside her costume. When English is not your first language spontanious humour should be avoided. So here’s a country by country analysis. Spain – One of the few countries who adopted a national flavour to their entry. Dancers had skyscraper legs. Should have done better points wise. Austria – Bland boy band fare. Dull. The voters agreed. Norway – Steve Windwood cast off. Saved by their fellow Nordics from the usual ‘nil points’. France – By the numbers love song. Some woman on stilts dancing which was odd. What does ‘chaque’ mean? I think Andorra gave then twelve points, the fools. Malta – Half pop, half opera nonsense. She looked like a Maria Carey cloning experiment gone wrong. Lyrics from a ladybird book. Was 'Faith', 'Hope' and 'Charity' for nothing? Netherlands – The bastard sons of Robson and Gerome. Too much hair product. Not the worse. Germany – Hint of Jamie ‘Lovable Jazz Hobbit’ Cullum. Not bad as it happens. Frightening eyebrows. Albania – Dress not a good idea. Karaoke standard. Should have been eliminated in the semi finals at least. Ukraine – Fetish floor show meets Zena Warrior Princess and Riverdance. They won but I’m sure it was down to the leather and the Ukraine being spitting distance from the Balkans. Croatia – A song seemingly written by Sting and the chap who composed the theme to Blake’s Seven. Dire. Bosnia Herzegovina – Disco number with licks stolen from Donna Summer. Girls looked great but he looked like a warmed over ‘H’ from Steps. Originality bypass. Serbia & Montenegro - Another song that seemed to be national in flavour rather than generic Euro pap. Good effort too. Did well but obviously not enough leather or semi naked dancers. Belgium – Boppy number. She looked great. She made more of an impact than the song but the voters knew no mercy. Russia – Millions of square miles and all they could conjure up was a failed karaoke singer surrounded by the Moscow branch of Chippendales. Greece – Out of tune Ricky Martin copycat. Shocking lyrics. Saved by lots flesh on show by the two dancers. Voters like it and we know why. Being close to the Balkans helped too. Iceland – If Iceland had Pop Idol this would be the cookie cutter singer it’ll issue forth. Why were all the male singers wearing white suits? Forgettable. Ireland – Co-written by McFadden of Westlife (the one without the big tits) and it showed. Bland Westboylifezone tat. All that is wrong with pop music was captured in this three minutes of torture. Treated with the contempt it deserved by the voters. Former Yugoslav Rebublic of Macedonia - His country may have had the longest name in Eurovision but the singing career will be thankfully short. I truely hope he didn't give up the day job. Hard to believe that Alexander the Great was also Macedonian. Poland – She looked like Kat Slater’s better looking sister, but surely Kat’s a better singer. Truly awful. United Kingdom – Bit like a BMW 318i Auto as it happens. Dull but worthy. It however did manage to expunge the horror of ‘Gemini’ from the national psyche. Inoffensive pop fodder. Cyprus – Oddly she came from Gillingham in Kent. Apparently she was sixteen but the makeup people made her look ten years older. Could have been the UK entry. What it had to do with Cyprus will remain a mystery. Turkey – Sounded like Madness, looked not a million miles from Busted. Had obviously kept Istanbul’s tattoo industry busy in recent times. Romania – Minimal cloths and karaoke approach. Even as bland disco fodder goes it sucked. Sweden - If Helena Christensen’s had a twin it would be Sweden's entry. Passable pop number. Great boots. I think all the other Nordic countries did their bit by voting for her. The voting was as partisan as Terry Wogan predicted. The Balkan countries all voted for each other, as did the Nordics and Iberians. Because the Baltic countries had been eliminated in the earlier rounds they voted en mass for the Balkans. Block voting by the Balkans; wars have been started for less.