Robert Kilroy-Silk wouldn’t like it Hard to believe that Eurovision is in its 50th year and if the truth be told without the ‘stretching’ of entry requirement to countries that have either invaded or been invaded by a European country, I’m sure the contest would have died years ago. The hosts were the usual miss matched horrors who needed more practise. Terry Wogan described them as ‘Ant and Shriek’ and he was right, despite having a state of the art microphone DJ Pasha’s co-host could stop shouting. So here’s the annual Tony C breakdown of the runners a riders of this years musical extravaganza. Oh and I’m not being ironic here…well a little. Hungary Wobbly voiced, one legged trouser wearing, river dance inspired Euro nonsense. She was a bit of babe though. The babe theme continued throughout the whole competition. 12th. United Kingdom Javine had just recovered from a throat infection, apparently, but did her best Ms Spears impression. The song was aimed the Balkan block vote with it’s Eastern twang, but it didn’t work. The dancer on Javine’s right was a babe. 22nd. Malta Bland Celine Dion wannabe number. Both had a connection with Titanic in a way, whilst the French Canadian hit meister sang the theme song for Titanic the Maltese entry was the size of the famous ill fated liner. 2nd. Rumania Looking like a young Ruby Wax on a building site. Yes those were angle grinders on the stage, this one of the many low points song wise. Lots of silicon mind you and did I see the guys at the back wearing dustbin lids on there feet? A travesty of Euro proportions she came 3rd. Norway Glam rockers Wig Wam did their best ‘Europe’ impression, the group not the region, and proved irony is alive and well amongst the fiords. Must be all that whale meat. The singer signed off by shouting “Rock and Roll Revolution”. Amen to that. 9th. Turkey Lots of kettle drums, another feature of this years Eurovision, it was hard to find an act that didn’t use them. It was blessed relief when you did. As Terry Wogan pointed out ‘gymnastics and belly buttons’ about sums this up. Sounded Turkish I guess. 13th. Moldova Grandma beats the Drummer was the title and they follwed through by having a Granny on stage, although she mysteriously wasn’t in the Green Room celebrating. They tried to look like the Red Hot Chilli Peppers but were more Korma than Madras. A very underserved 6th. Cyprus Ricky Martin and Michael Jackson love child horror, with Mel B dancing at the back. Truly utterly awful but the natural home for the Turkish vote. 18th. Spain I suppose it sounded Spanish and silicon was absent. It was at least different from the run of the mill Eurovision twaddle and a brave attempt to give the contest a bit of regional variation. It was bound to fail. 21st. Israel Bottle blonde silicon babe in a lovely dress. Classic ballad approach but I’m not sure what the unamplified acoustic guitarist was for. A sympathetic 4th. Serbia and Montenegro Odd miss matched trouser wearing boy band fodder. More kettle drums, surprise, surprise which were set about for visual rather than audible effect. More drivel at 7th. Denmark A Will Young, Westlife, Rowan Keating genetic mistake. Yuk. Benefited from the Nordic block vote to reach 10th. Sweden More leather, lots of it in fact. A hint of Austin Powers in this Vegas homage. The girls were great in their Pussy Galore suits. Sorry I forgot what it sounded like. They deserved better I’m sure at 19th. Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia Fooking kettle drums again but the girls dresses were so short you could see the makers name. Alexander the Great would turn in his grave if anyone actually knew were he’s buried to verify. Grim. You have to love the Balkan block vote. 17th. Ukraine A politically significant song due the recent Orange Revolution. More chant than song really as the fused a riff from Nirvana with a Run DMC style rap. But why did they keep mentioning lattes? Not placed well at 20th. Germany They tried the Avril Lavigne/Shinia Twain/Alanis Morrisette rock chick route and failed. Rock attitude but no rock substance. I know Noel Coward said “let’s not be beastly to the Germans” but this was awful. A deserved 24th. Croatia The gypsy look in is this summer so the backing singers were bang up to date fashion wise. I didn’t know Wolverhampton Wanderers were big in Croatia as the song was entitled Wolves die alone; a Wogan joke not mine! More bloody kettle drums and at one point the drummer did handstand in the middle of the stage. 11th. Greece Riverdance meets Zorba. Michael Flattley must have made a mint in royalties at this years contest. Her breasts were all her own for a change and she was the best looking female singer in veritable sea of hunnies. The song was the usual fusion of Euro beat, poor lyrics and forgettable hook. 1st. Russia You could expect the Russians not to welcome in Kiev but they sent a tall leggy babe with fabulous shoes so they’ll probably be forgiven. Catchy musical hook but crappy lyrics. 15th. Bosnia and Herzegovina Bit a con. With a name like Feminnem you could be forgiven for expecting some gritty rap number, but instead we got a boppy Abba tribute. I’m sure the fact that they were three perky blondes in short skirts wasn’t missed by the voters. 14th. Switzerland All girl babe rock band dressed in white leather, with matching white guitars . There was a chap at the back dressed on black so to remain anonymous. Visually captivating, auditably forgettable. 8th. Latvia Cookie cutter pretty boy pop rubbish, bless ‘em. At one point they employed sign language. A mind bending 6th. France More Euro pap and not particular French. Oddly as the French usually go ‘off piste’ at Eurovision. They met their Waterloo at 23rd. Fewer novelty acts than normal and so it was even more difficult to tell one country from another, where for example are the transvestite Air Hostesses from a few years back? The acts that did well put on elaborate stage shows rather than mimic pop videos to create a visual appeal that covered the cracks in the songmanship. I suppose we can be thankful none them sounded like Travis.